As a former feature writer at The Indianapolis Star for more than two decades I was often tasked with writing pop psychology and tips-for-better-living stories. These sometimes were dismissed as puff pieces by the “hard news” reporters on staff, but I always thought helping people live happier and healthier lives was important work. And I liked to think that I believed in what I wrote, which is to say that there were lessons for me to learn, as well.
One quote from such a story has stuck with me: “Parenting is the only job where the goal is to put yourself out of a job.”
Think about it. You want to encourage your children, maybe lead at times, but you don’t want to create dependency. You know that they will grow up one day – it seems a long way off when they’re very young, then “only yesterday” when they’re fully grown – and you know that they will have to deal with challenges, both great and small, mostly without you.
This in no way is to suggest that I looked forward to them being on their way out of the house. It was a bittersweet experience to see them move on, but I could content myself with the knowledge that I and especially my wife had prepared them well. I listened to them; I tried to tailor rules and rewards as appropriate to each as individuals; and I never wanted to be too domineering. They would move on, and they would be prepared – that was the goal. That was the role of a parent, to put yourself out of a job.
Part of the context for this post are data that show 50 percent of children today are born into single-parent families nationally; the number is 70 percent in the African-American communities, and perhaps as high as 90 percent in the poorer African-American communities. I know this is all contentious and part of our ongoing culture wars, but here are some comparative data from the non-partisan Pew Research Center.
I remember another story, this one overtly dealing with race and social justice issues, in which an African-American community leader remarked that “Marriage has become a cheap thing.” It’s another quote I remember perfectly. The woman headed a grassroots neighborhood organization that was steeped in Christian belief, and it is sad to think that marriage and family really has become part of the culture wars in this country, and that being pro-marriage is sometimes equated with the “Christian Right.”
Was the woman right? For many years now, we have seen Hollywood celebrities and artists and writers often flaunt the notion of marriage, and many, many couples today think nothing of moving in together without benefit of marriage vows. Yet Hollywood stars live in a world vastly different from most folks and can teach us nothing, and cohabitation easily comes apart, as do marriages if people don’t take their vows seriously, as if having a fabulous wedding ceremony is more important than the commitment you’re making. The cost to society is great – single mothers on average are much poorer than others, and children are growing up without benefit of two adults full-time in their lives. See the Pew Research Center link above.
This is not to say two parents are always better than one. Two bad parents are not better than one good parent, and two bad heterosexual parents are not better than two good same-sex parents. But it’s a matter of the odds: just as there would be fewer women in poverty if they could share a single household with a husband or committed partner, there would be a better chance of children having the guidance and leadership they need if there were two adults full-time in their lives. And I write this as someone who grew up in a single-parent household from age four.
Here’s another quote, this time from a highly successful businessman I was profiling. “No one ever said on his death bed that he wished he’d spent less time with his children.”
Well, the parents of Joseph Lyle Menendez and Erik Galen Menendez, who were convicted in 1996 or murdering them, might have disagreed with the above quote but you get the point.
I had a friend in college with whom I’d discuss all manner of topics, but often questions that reduced to just this: What will become of us? It’s the kind of question that occupies the space between “What will I be when I grow up?” and “What is the meaning of life?” It was a time when existential angst was growing in us like a weed between the promises of a full and long life ahead.
The specific topic one evening with my friend was fear of death, which is the fountain of existential angst. The friendly debate branched off into a discussion of marriage and family, and my friend argued that the only reason people want to have children is because it gives them a sense of immortality, because they think they will continue to live on in some way through their children.
I thought then, and I think now, that this argument went too far. When we’re dead we’re dead, as dead as any of our ancestors. Yet evolutionary biologists tell us that our main function in life is to reproduce, and a geneticist told me on another story that while we as individuals certainly are not immortal our DNA is. Well, sort of.
This all brings me back to the first quote above: “Parenting is the only job where the goal is to put yourself out of a job.” Immortality is not in the cards, but if we’ve done our job as parents well, then at least we will have left a true legacy.
My husband and I talk about some of this all of the time. If we had not found each other then our son would not have been born and we would not have our grandchildren, who give us great joy. I believe we do leave a legacy through our offspring.
My mother gave me her legacy (and morals & ideals) and I sound more and more like her every day, at least my son tells me that- “You sound just like Grandma, Mom!”
I like to believe we raise our children to be the best person they can be and we pass along our morals and values in the hopes that they will grow into good adults, contributing to society in the best way they can. Sure we cannot always be responsible for their actions once they leave our nest, but we do hope for the best for them.
I am glad to be retired from the daily life of parent, but my role as parent never stops. My son will always be my son, and I will always see that young baby, boy, youth, and man in him every time I look at him. Every time I hug him, I feel that bond, and it will be with me until the day I die. So yes, my job as a “daily parent” is done, but when the phone rings for advice in the wee morning hours, because the baby is crying and running a fever, Mom (Grandma) will still be there to offer advice or my learned knowledge to help them out. Always and forever- as long as I live and as long as they remember.